Mom. Are You Having Sex?

It’s midnight and I finally close my eyes to get some well deserved rest. I’ve got six good hours of sleep ahead of me before I have to get up for work.

Around three in the morning, little hands nudge me awake from my precariously fragile slumber. Getting a phone call or being awakened that early in the morning doesn’t typically mean good news.

I shoot up, alarmed, and I see my eleven year old standing there. He’s trying to ask me a question and as I hang on to every word trying to come out of his mouth, there are a million crazy thoughts racing through my head about about what could possibly be wrong:

“Is the house on fire?

“Did he see another water bug?

“Did another celebrity die? I’m still grieving Betty White!”

It’s the longest three seconds of my life. A voice finally emerges from the little boy’s throat. With all the boldness in the world, he asks: “Mom. Are you having sex?”

Was I still asleep and this all a dream?

No. But here I am, not frequently speechless, nevertheless frozen. Did my son really question my personal life? Out loud? To me?

I tell you boy, children of this generation are truly something special. Imagine being bold enough to ask your parent that question. The backhanded slap would be more epic than the one Dave Chappelle flawlessly delivered to Charlie Murphy in that Rick James skit.

At the moment I screamed at him to get out of my room. Normally, I’d wear that little behind out; but I was paralyzed by his question.

I try to go back to sleep, but I can’t. It’s clear that not only does my son need boundaries, but that I have to strike a balance between being a mother and dating.

What was the Reason?!! – Cardi B.

It turns out, the reason why my son asks me this question is because he caught me kissing Santa Clause.

OK, let me back up.

So it’s a couple of days before New Years. I have a very handsome friend over to toast the advent of 2022. The Belaire champagne was exceptionally cold and a Hennessy champagne mix; just perfect.

To make things worse, I just had to have the perfect Apple Music playlist on.

Once Maxwell’s This Woman’s Worth fills our ears – the kiss happened. OK, ok….a few kisses. Of course it would be during one of these moments where my son would need to come to where we were chilling, the kitchen, for a Capri Sun.

OK, so back to me ripping into my son and collecting everything he loves dearest, because he’s going to be without them for at least two weeks. I demanded to know why he’d ask me such a question. My child explains: “I saw you kissing him; that’s why I asked.”

After sternly explaining to my little T-Monster (my nickname for him) that he shouldn’t question any adult, especially his mother, about sex, then promptly putting him on punishment for two weeks, I can’t help but notice the disappointment in his eyes. The sadness behind his eyes lies in the realization that I’m enjoying time with someone else who isn’t his dad.

Now mind you, his dad and I have been over for eight years. Both his father and I have both more than moved on and the little conversation we do have is restricted to Instagram direct messages. Yet in still, my eleven-year-old sits in judgement of me spending time with another man.

As an adult, I don’t understand why he’s so concerned. However, putting myself in his shoes, I get it.

My son has always had access to me. There was no competition.

Things are different now. I live in Atlanta where, yes, my close friend who is male, visits quite often. We kick it – have fun.

I get that my son wants me all to himself, but as a single mom, am I not entitled to enjoying the company of a man? I am – and as single parents we are. However navigating dating and parenthood is tricky at best. It’s as if you’re walking a landmine, trying to tip toe between your children’s hearts and your own.

The Impossible Balance

Dating and raising children feels like an impossible balance.

On one end, you feel you owe your kids all of you.

Your whole being and existence dissolves into parenthood. Conversations are children-centric. The way that a parent frames the passage of time is anchored around the ages of the children (i.e. – Ask me about the last time I was in Orlando – it was nine years ago. My son Simon was eleven).

We tend to get lost in parenthood and forget that in order to be healthy, functioning adults and to be the very best parents for our children; we need to connect with other adults.

Whether it’s dating, friendship, or stealing occasional kisses in the kitchen, the fact is, as single parents, we need an outlet. Finding the balance between the two, feels impossible, but isn’t.

Dating Tips for Single Parents

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, popular radio talk show host, suggest that a single parent shouldn’t date until the children are grown and out of the house. I wholeheartedly disagree.

Now while I don’t “date” as a single parent, I think this advice from her is unfair. Love and companionship are basic, human needs. Being a single parent does not exclude you from a closeness and intimacy with another person. However, I do believe that parenting and dating do need to be separate entities in a single parent’s life.

Some tips when it comes to navigating parenthood and dating:

Keep The Dates Away from the Kids – I know it’s tempting to want to show your boo off, but it does more harm than good parading a number of people in front of the kiddies. I wouldn’t suggest making any introductions until at least a year of seriously dating.

Find the Time – As single parents, time is at a premium, but dating requires the effort. Get a sitter and carve out time to spend getting to know someone special.

Avoid Children Talk – It’s hard not to talk about your children: the ‘A’ your son got in Chemistry or Little Timmy making it on the baseball team. Remember though, most of our lives are our children, now is the time to create a special space where you’re getting to know someone beyond your role as a mom or dad.

Keep The Friends Out Your Business – My blog post, unsolicited advice, talks about how annoyed I was at a friend giving me advice I didn’t ask for. This leads to my next point – keep your friends out of your dating life. Particularly if your friends are enjoying matrimony; they are more likely to be judgmental as most people really believe that you shouldn’t date as a single parent.

The Blissfully Single Lesson

Single parenthood isn’t one-dimensional. As parents doing it on our own, we can date, start businesses, travel, write books. Whatever opportunities are afforded to the blissfully married – we have at our disposal as well.

However, dating presents another layer. It is a fragile, seemingly impossible, course to take that can give even the strongest person anxiety. However, if single parent dating is done with wisdom, tact and grace, this not-so-easy venture can lead to an amazing new beginning.

Still Blissfully Single and Yours,

Beans.

Please drop a note if you’ve read this – that would make my heart smile!