Unsolicited Advice
My day was a pretty decent one.
First off – this was my first Saturday in a long time where I actually got to stay home. I wasn’t traveling. Wasn’t making the 40 minute drive to church the next day, I had NOTHING to do…it’s the stuff that perfect Saturdays for Beans are made of.
Keeping in line with not having to do shit and loving it: I spent an hour on Black twitter watching the draggation (yes, made up word) of Khloe Kardashian from Cincinnati to Haiti over the whole Jordyn Woods, Tristan Thompson saga. Ole girl really accused Jordyn of breaking up her family, but didn’t Tristan leave his pregnant to be with you? Never mind.
Anyway, I went car shopping, and while I really need a car in a bad way since blowing my transmission – I didn’t let myself get taken advantage of. After trying to get me wrangled into a car payment I didn’t want; I confidently said to the dealership finance manager: “This isn’t for me.” I then walked my happy ass out without the weight of a car payment that I couldn’t afford around my neck.
I cleaned my kitchen while listening to Solange’s “When I Get Home” LP. I just love Solo – she’s so different. Her album delivered the true essence of who she is – Unique. Conscious. Creative. Ole girl is just different.
Feeling good, the plan was to drink my bottle of Korbel Rose with a splash of Grand Marnier in every chilled champagne flute. I was then going to get cozy in my favorite flannel pajamas and then get to watching my newest television obsessions: “American Soul” and “Boomerang.”
Then the phone rang – I saw the contact and a little voice in me told me not to pick up: “Beans, enjoy the rest of your night and go to bed”
I couldn’t though, just a few nights before, I ignored her last call and I didn’t want to be that kind of friend. I picked up. That was a mistake friends – the call ruined my entire night.
The conversation that ensued chronicled her date with an ex.
My first thoughts were: “Great….”You reconnected with a past love… Glad you had a great time,” I really just wanted to get to that chilled champagne in my freezer.
In time though, the conversation went from how refreshing it was for her to go out on a date with an ex who was so much more cultured than her current boyfriend was to MY deficiencies when it came to “getting out there” and dating.
Wait. I’m confused. How did this conversation turn into an attack on my blissfully single life and the way that I choose to spend my time?
In her mind and according to her vantage point, she was being helpful. From my end, all I heard was how inadequate I was when it came to relationships and dating.
What I was receiving from her read like this:
“You’re an idiot Beans.”
“Your current situationship is going to play you and if you dated other men you’d see that.”
“You aren’t familiar with a steakhouse that sells $100 cuts of steak? You’re an uncultured piece of swine.”
This when I had to stop her and finally stand up for myself during the call. I reminded her that, with a mortgage to pay, and two boys to raise on my own, spending a c-note on a slab of meat is not an effective use of my limited resources – so of course I didn’t catch her reference. Had it been Denny’s ….”Oh yeah! I KNOWS Denny’s!”
Unsolicited advice. It’s funny. You open up to people. Expose your experiences. Share your struggles and you do so needing an ear, not judgement. This is why I, and most people, share intimate experiences with only the closest friends; it’s comfort through a process with those you trust enough who won’t make you feel like a terrible person. That call, while trying to be helpful, if I wasn’t careful, would have only broken me down.
Real friends listen and they don’t judge. They give you the room to make your own mistakes, because at the end, the life lessons learned are your own. The emotional wounds you carry, will only make you stronger as a result. The biggest gift you can give to a friend is an attentive ear, not unsolicited advice.
Now the delusion of unsolicited advice is believing you are giving the best to another, without enough self reflection to understand that you haven’t manifested enough in your own life to make your self righteous point of view even halfway valid: “Yeah girl. We are both single and both still trying to figure shit out; while it comes from a place of love, you are unable to give me the tools needed to grow beyond where I’m at now.”
Beans is a Cancer. I have a hard shell and a soft center. There are two ways my highly volatile emotional nature could have handled this call: I could have cursed her out and lost a friendship or, I could said have said nothing, and withered under the weight of her judgement.
In the end, I chose to create boundaries. I told her I love her and value our friendship more than anything, but my personal life, is no longer up for discussion. That’s that. I’ll never receive such an intrusive call again.
Love your friends. Be an ear for your friends, but when you feel that energy going left and they are trying to school you on game you didn’t ask for: check them. Do so with love, class and dignity.
Blissfully Yours Loves,
