Alone & Unprotected

I spend most of my time pumping my fists into the air and declaring how much I enjoy being single. Usually, being blissfully single Bean means so much to me.

I’m happy single; well, 75% of the time. Then I have these low points, where I can’t help but need someone. A life partner to shoulder burdens with. The rawness of emotion sets in:

“Why wasn’t I ever good enough to be someone’s wife?”

It’s those moments when I feel particularly alone and unprotected.

I’m in the midst of such a low point. Right now, I ache for a life partner and or husband to make this annoying shit easier to handle.

Blissfully Single Nuisances

Nuisance #1: The Eviction of a Family Member

I overlook the close to ten years of him being in and out of various prisons across New York State. Didn’t pay attention to our tumultuous past growing up together. I don’t hate easily, but he’s the one person on earth who can unlock every propensity in me to hate. Yet, somehow, I believe it’ a good idea to open my home to this “family” member.

If I were married, my husband would have taken one look at this family member of mine, smelled the degenerate off of him and would have shut down any idea of bringing him into our home; around our children.

Instead, I extend a helping hand – only to deal with the constant weed smoking in my home. The damage to my property. Non-payment of rent. Did I mention the time I came home from work on a lunch break to find him naked and smoking weed in my backyard?

Now, I’m facing an eviction process that can take anywhere from 3 – 6 months, because of course, I live in a state where tenants rights are protected.

If I was a Mrs. to someone, this would never be my reality. I’m alone and unprotected.

Nuisance #2: The Pedestrian Life Still Hittin’

I go to dealerships and they take one look at me, a lone woman – and it’s open season. These salesmen see you as prey; they’ll sell you an overpriced piece of garbage because you don’t have a man standing next to you to push back.

I go to the dealership today and he doesn’t budge on the price.

Frustrated, I make my way across the street to wait 40 minutes for a bus that ultimately never arrives. I grit my teeth and take a $17 Uber ride back home. I’m pissed. My husband would have helped me get a good deal. Worst case, I would have a ride home.

Nuisance #3: Only The Liquor to Hug You

Stressed at work. Barely ate today. Wasted yet another trip to a dealership.

Come home to find the loser’s car who isn’t paying rent comfortably parked at my curb. All I want to do is put a brick through the windshield and slash tires; but I’m liable if I do. I’m an adult now and now realize there are costly consequences.

I don’t have anyone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be alright: just the half full bottle of Bacardi Rum to help me cope. Feeling so alone and unprotected.

This too Shall Pass

Like every formidable problem in my life, this too shall pass. I’m going to need a lot of prayer to help keep me emotionally balanced. I’ll also need professional help – I’ve been meaning to find a therapist to talk things through and help me with my emotional reactivity.

But to my married sisters, you are so blessed. You have support and that’s not a blessing that everyone has. Count yourselves fortunate and blessed.

Signing off for the night.

Not So Blissfully Single Yours Friends Today,