Happily Single
Beans, Why Don’t You Get with Him?
So there’s a new choir director in town. He’s incredibly talented and, fresh off the American Airlines plane that jetted him over to America from Haiti, he’s also very single and “ready to mingle.”
As soon as I heard he was single, I became instantly annoyed. My hyper sensitive nature kicked into full gear because I knew there would be at least one set of eyes on Beans. I’d be a candidate to fill the vacancy in his personal life, as if I’d asked to be considered.
Like clockwork, before I could even finish my thought, my cousin looks over at me and asks:
“Beans, why don’t you get with him?”
Really? Ok. He’s single. I’m single. The fact that I have no idea who he is or more importantly, I have no physical attraction nor particular pull towards new choir director guy; now see, those things, they have no bearing. Nope. I should feel obligated to “shoot my shot” for the sake of not being single. Just ridiculous.
I gave her some B.S line about getting my life together, but what I should have done was been straight forward. I should have looked her and said: “Not interested.”
The Story of Bean’s Single Life
This is the story of my life as a single woman; the inevitable presumption that you’re looking for someone. There’s no way you can possibly enjoy the freedom of not being in a relationship.
Folks like to assume that a 40 year old single woman is in dire need of someone, ANYONE… and I need to know:
The Family that Means Well
My family is one that means well, but coming from a conservative one like mine where mostly everyone is married, the concern you never asked for can be suffocating. I get it all the time:
“You’re still young, you can find someone.” Well, I’m not looking.
“You can’t raise children by yourself, you need help.” I’ve done a damn good job the last 13 years.
“You have physical needs, ask God to send you someone.” I may be single, but that doesn’t mean I’m not getting my needs met.
No one takes the time to widen their perspective beyond their own experiences to consider that maybe, just maybe, Bean is fine single. More than fine, happy even….
My Ex was Right….
I spent a good five years of my life trying to get the father of my children to marry me. Why? It wasn’t because I loved him, (we fell out of love very early into our relationship).
My rationale was that I didn’t want to be the only baby mother of the bunch. I can try and fool myself and say I wanted to be married for the sake of the children, but I know myself enough to know that was a lie. I wanted to be married for “appearances” sake.
I don’t think very highly of my ex, and trust me when I say he is no fan of mine either, but I will give him straight props – he was right. We didn’t belong together. A marriage between us would have been one that ended in divorce.
He was introspective enough to know that. I on the other hand was living in La La Land. I was chasing smoke and mirrors, a happily ever after that was never mine to have with that particular man.
Happily Single & No More Compromises
In chasing the coveted ring, I compromised myself in unspeakable ways. I still carry a lot of shame about what I was willing to accept, all for the privilege of being called someone’s wife.
That took work. Relationships take work. A Marriage takes a whole lifetime of work. After reality hit me and I stopped chasing waterfalls; now having the freedom to not have to put any effort into making another person happy- I finally get to focus on what really matters most: my children and wine.
No more compromises. Being happily single means I can move any way that I’d like – I don’t have another person’s feelings to consider. I no longer have to be chastised if I come home too late or if I forget to call during the day.
No more walking on eggshells in order to stroke an ego. I found my voice again. Most importantly, I go to sleep every night free as a bird – being single means I’m 100% not being cheated on.
You’re fine. We’re fine.
If you’re single and you enjoy that single life: You’re fine. We’re fine.
If you listen to the voice of society or a well meaning, but misinformed family, you’ll go a whole lifetime chasing companionship.
Now, don’t get me wrong, if you want to be in a relationship, that’s one thing, by all means, find someone who will make you happy.
At the same time, just because you’re boo’ed up, doesn’t mean I have to be.
Blissfully Yours Friends.
